My chaotic life
R and I have been getting really close lately. For so long I worked at not letting him in, after letting him live here when his power got shut off, I didn't want to let him back in... But lately, we are pretty close.
He is like the man I top from the bottom... I tell him what I want, and he does it... He knows what I want, and love, and does it very well...
Hawk is the one who does what HE wants... I don't know if I could take that 24/7, honestly... Maybe I'm less of a submissive than I thought? I LOVE the serving part, the sitting at Hawk's feet, the doing things for him... But the sex parts I sometimes cringe at, just wanting to do what he wants and get it over with... He uses humiliation, which is not hard with me, and I REALLY don't like that... Things that embarrass me, I hate... And I get embarrassed easily...Other things like him telling me how to wear my hair, or how to dress... Sometimes he does it just to get a rise out of me...He doesn't do things that I like very often... I wish he would be more physical, tie me up, spank me (NOT punishment strength, though!) use clothes pins... The things that R does for me...Hawk and I have wonderful conversations about history, and politics, and you name it, for HOURS... But sometimes he is hard to take...
Jeff is the one that I could have a really nice, comfortable, normal life with... But can I ever be satisfied with the "minivan driving soccer mom" life? Even with a great sex life... I'm afraid that I would get bored and regret my decision... Although up until now I thought that was what I wanted... I have several different personalities, not different people, just many facets of the same person, and I don't know if one man will ever be enough to keep them all happy... Maybe some people were just not meant to be monogamous...? *sigh* Then that (and everything in my life right now) Brings me to the guilt I feel from my religious side... I WANT to follow the "rules", but I just don't seem to be able to... I believe once saved always saved, but I know life could be better if I could just be one person all the time... Right now, I am dangerously thinking about staying with R, getting rid of the rest, and being happy... Which would last for a few months, and then I would "get the itch" again, break it off, and head to Hawk's... I can't seem to let myself be happy...
Ok, now that you all KNOW I'm a fruit loop... What do you think? Professional help? Can't afford it... Plus, I'd have to drive 100 miles to get it...
someone just shoot me now and get it over with.... LOL
He is like the man I top from the bottom... I tell him what I want, and he does it... He knows what I want, and love, and does it very well...
Hawk is the one who does what HE wants... I don't know if I could take that 24/7, honestly... Maybe I'm less of a submissive than I thought? I LOVE the serving part, the sitting at Hawk's feet, the doing things for him... But the sex parts I sometimes cringe at, just wanting to do what he wants and get it over with... He uses humiliation, which is not hard with me, and I REALLY don't like that... Things that embarrass me, I hate... And I get embarrassed easily...Other things like him telling me how to wear my hair, or how to dress... Sometimes he does it just to get a rise out of me...He doesn't do things that I like very often... I wish he would be more physical, tie me up, spank me (NOT punishment strength, though!) use clothes pins... The things that R does for me...Hawk and I have wonderful conversations about history, and politics, and you name it, for HOURS... But sometimes he is hard to take...
Jeff is the one that I could have a really nice, comfortable, normal life with... But can I ever be satisfied with the "minivan driving soccer mom" life? Even with a great sex life... I'm afraid that I would get bored and regret my decision... Although up until now I thought that was what I wanted... I have several different personalities, not different people, just many facets of the same person, and I don't know if one man will ever be enough to keep them all happy... Maybe some people were just not meant to be monogamous...? *sigh* Then that (and everything in my life right now) Brings me to the guilt I feel from my religious side... I WANT to follow the "rules", but I just don't seem to be able to... I believe once saved always saved, but I know life could be better if I could just be one person all the time... Right now, I am dangerously thinking about staying with R, getting rid of the rest, and being happy... Which would last for a few months, and then I would "get the itch" again, break it off, and head to Hawk's... I can't seem to let myself be happy...
Ok, now that you all KNOW I'm a fruit loop... What do you think? Professional help? Can't afford it... Plus, I'd have to drive 100 miles to get it...
someone just shoot me now and get it over with.... LOL
6 Comments:
Although I can't pretend to speak for everyone, I came to the conclusion years ago that no one person can fullfill all the needs and desires of another person. I think that often times a monogamous relationship is maintained from a sense of religious driven morality or a fear of the repercussions for straying. This conclusion does not negate in anyway the possibility you love your mate tremendously. I was with a woman for 15 years and did not stray. Although she did not fulfill all my wants and needs I elected to ignore the things I wasn't getting simply because I didn't want to lose her and lose her I would if I strayed.
I know you're right... R and I were together for 16 years or so... the first 10 were mostly good.. It's just as I grew up and he didn't that we started having problems... he spends money like water (and NOT on the bills) has no ambition...Never does what he says he will do... I can't stay with a man I can't trust...A man who is not dependable, who does not provide for his family... I have worked my ass off my entire life just to keep my head and my children's above water.... I can't live like that forever... He is a drowning man and I had to get away or he would pull me under too...
Maybe I should blow off all 3 and take a vow of celibacy. I'm never going to be #1 on anyone's list anyway... But what would I blog about then???
I've always thought that a live living "inside the box" would be a fate worse than death... And Jeff is "into appearances". Thats my only concern with him.
Actually, blowing them all off doesn't sound like a bad idea... living totally without any sexual or romantic relationships would be much easier...
My answer was the married man... Jeff can't say anything about R or Hawk because he goes home to another woman every night...lol
Living in a box, regardless of how beautifully it is wrapped, is a living death. It saps your emotions and then your soul.
Trust is the number one on my list of relationship requirements. I left a woman I cared deeply for because she betrayed me one time. (No, it wasn't a sexual betrayal.)
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